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Five things I have Googled only as a parent

These are five things that I have genuinely Googled since being a parent, which probably says more about me than parents generally...

1. "What do you call your child's penis / vagina?"

You don't tend to Google "penis" or "vagina" in any context before having kids, but I wanted to find out that I wasn’t somehow ruining my kids' youth by naming or not naming their nether regions appropriately. So, we've called our son's wanger "Keith" and both daughters' bajingoes "Barbara"… Yes, I am joking.

2. "What food doesn’t have dairy in it?!"

Issue Number Three decided at age zero (she's now seven months) to become a major pain in the avocado* by refusing to pass solid poos and getting eczema all over the shop, only to drop subtle clues that she might be intolerant to something. This might be dairy, so we are trying to deprive her of it to see what happens. Think of it as a baby detox. However, trying to get ANYTHING to eat without dairy in it is ridiculous. For example, did you know that some cans of tuna have dairy in it?! What?! Why?! How has this happened?! Also, Lactofree milk contains lactose!! Piccalilli* off! Then contrast that with Oreo cookies which have knack all dairy in them! This is a total mind *feta (yes, more dairy).

3. "Possible risks of a vasectomy"

Look, anybody even slightly considering to let anyone near their man tonsils with a knife / scissors / chainsaw (no idea what they use) would want to know the risks. Unfortunately, consulting the NHS website, it cites long-term testicular pain as affecting around one in 10 men after vasectomy. That's basically eternal ball ache, which sounds marginally preferable to conceiving again, but I'm not overly convinced. That's 10%... that's a pretty high percentage... Would you take a gun with ten bullet slots, load a bullet in it, spin the barrel, aim it at your crackerjacks and then pull the trigger? A tear is rolling down my face at the thought...

*** hears mothers across the country sighing and muttering something about the pain of birth under their breath ***

4. "What does normal poo look like?"

You'd think you would be an expert on poo by the time you have children. I mean, you have a poo every day, unless you are female in which case you poo once a month, if that. Anyway, you've seen all sorts of poo in your lifetime, yet when your baby does a non-standard poo you start to question everything. I think this is partly down to being so tired that logic and reasoning don’t feature in your first instincts any more, instead they are replaced with panic and ineptitude. So, this means you end up Googling the crab* out of everything. Why bother thinking for yourself?! It can only decrease your already diminishing braincells...

5. "Can you die from lack of sleep?"

Okay, maybe a bit melodramatic to search this, but it was worth checking. If I wasn’t actually dying, it felt like I was. The best response on the internet that I found was "Maybe indirectly", which I found hilarious at the time. What, like if I fell asleep and fell on a bonfire? Of course, you can probably "indirectly" die from anything, so this seemed like the most pointless answer in the world – however possibly to the most pointless Google search in the world.

* Sticking with substituting swear words with food. Food game strong.

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