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🏊 🏊 Swimming Changing Room Etiquette: WHAT NOT TO DO 🏊 🏊

So, it's a bit embarrassing. Despite being in my mid-thirties, I couldn't swim. All of my kids have swimming lessons and are progressing nicely. Even the nine month old splashes about comfortably in the water and doesn’t seem too fazed by it. Given this, partly due to shame and partly due to the basic need at least try and save my children if they were to plunge into some watery disaster zone, I started swimming lessons in September 2016.

Now, this post has nothing to do with how good or bad I am at swimming (decidedly average to below average in case you were wondering, 25-30 lengths in an hour). This post has everything to do with what on Earth should NOT happen in the swimming changing rooms. I swim in the intermediate swimmers lane and there are a couple of guys that I swim with, being of similar ability. So, when the sessions end, we tend to head to the changing rooms together discussing how the last hour of aqua beasting went.

Now, we're all in a changing room, so it is unavoidable that there will be instances when some or all of us are naked. I'm not a huge fan of this "naked chat" but it's acceptable in the circumstances. What is NOT acceptable in any circumstance, especially when you are having naked chat, is facing the person you are talking to, spreading your legs and whacking your inner thigh repeatedly with one hand to emphasise how little you have ever exercised those particular muscles before. Smacking of inner thighs and drawing attention to the love zone isn't something you would without consideration when clothed, so to do it naked is manifestly unacceptable.

By now, I am trying with monk-like concentration not to look anywhere other than directly into this wang wobbler's eyes, muttering the odd short "mmm hmmm", "yes I know" etc of acknowledgement. It's virtually impossible not to see his hobgoblins shaking about in my peripheral vision. In my head, I am hoping my short responses will deter him from the slapping motions, but he keeps going! What does he think he is trying to achieve here?! I get the point! Bad choice of word...

This goes on for a few minutes, before he turns around and stops raping my eyes. I go back to getting changed and, thankfully, we are all clothed. Naked chat is over. He gathers his things to leave and says "Right, same time next week?. I reply "Yes, see you next week" assuming he is referring to the swimming lesson rather than another ticket to the flesh theatre.

However, I must admit, my inner thighs and hamstrings did ache in a way I've never experienced. I really must show you some time...

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