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The "S" Word



This blog is about the "S" word or, to be more technically accurate, I guess it's the "V" word.

Whatever you call it, it doesn’t make it sound any better. The "Snip" makes it sound like something is being cut off, which is never good. And, "Vasectomy" for some indescribable reason makes me think of "Vivisection". So, the thought of a rodent being operated on for the purposes of research gives me the heebie-jeebies, especially when I relate it to my precious jingle-berries being treated in the same way.

However, having had the "chat" with wifey about never ever ever ever EVER wanting to conceive child number four (I think that's what she said...), we discussed the option of the snip. I must admit, I’m not particularly sold by the idea. Okay, no operation is meant to be a Disneyland thrill ride, but just the thought of something being cut in that area really does freak me out a little.

This is where all the mothers roll their eyes and tell me to grow a pair. Maybe I'll need to if I choose the op. Too melodramatic? Okay. I'm not denying mothers who give birth naturally face far worse pain than what the Snipathon might entail, but you're comparing apples and plums (sorry couldn’t resist). I agree giving birth looks undeniably awful as the world's worst depiction of The Shining's "Here's Johnny!" fright scene... (think "Heeeeeeeeere's Baaaaaaaby..."). However, think of the beautiful by-product of that terrible process compared to something where you have alternatives with less severe consequences. Okay, those alternatives aren't great but they are alternatives.

Anyway, despite my reservations, I thought it would be a decent idea to book an appointment with the GP to ask about what was involved. I had heard that some doctors were reluctant to approve vasectomies if they felt that the father was in any doubt or there were reasons why they might want to re-consider the options. For example, if a father is quite young, they might make you mull it over in case you might decide later in life that sleeping is overrated or you have an epiphany that a constant stream of newborns is a perfect way to accelerate that mid-life crisis.

Wifey was out with the two daughters, so I had to take our eldest son (four years old) to the appointment with me. For once, I was secretly hoping that he would do something absurd like take a dump on the doctor's desk, just so I could emphasise how bad I had it and that any more kids should definitely be banned from being produced by me. But unfortunately he's one of the best behaved kids I know, so there was no kicking the doctor in his nuts madness to be had.

Instead, what happened was this. When asked about what risks were associated with the snip, the GP made me wait whilst he printed off the vasectomy summary from the NHS website and pointed to the risks section. To assist me, he said that it was worth reading the whole list but the main risk to note was "long-term testicular pain" which was "basically ball ache" (his words, not mine). By now, I'm sweating...

So, with this risk affecting one in 10 men reverberating in my mind, I decided to ask about what the procedure actually entailed. This resulted in the GP going on to Youtube and finding a clip of a vasectomy for me to watch. Sitting and watching an operation on someone's genitals with a total stranger (as it was not my normal GP) was somewhat surreal. It was like watching a trailer for the worst movie ever and then giving an awkward review at the end of it, "So, that looked interesting, I must catch the full thing when I get home". I have no idea what my son was thinking by now.

So, I left with a couple of printed pages from the NHS, still with a huge doubt in my mind as to what to do about the whole thing. So, I had an idea, I thought it would be appropriate to put this down to a public vote – a fertility referendum if you will. So, feel free to vote on a Remain or Spexit decision. What could possibly be a better way of deciding? It's worked and provided great results for all important decisions made recently that I can think of... Hmmmm...

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