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Five (More) Things I've Only Googled as a Parent

Here are five more things that I have genuinely Googled since being a parent...

1. How soon after the "happy happy dance" does a woman get morning sickness?

Okay, I didn’t Google the precise words "happy happy dance" but it felt a bit inappropriate referring to the act of horizontal refreshment in a title heading. Anyway, when you already have three children under five years old and your other half feels nauseous with a heightened sense of smell for four consecutive days after that act, you PANIC. The answer "some women can feel nauseous as early as 2-3 weeks and for many it's one of the first symptoms of their pregnancy" made me more frightened than the time I trapped my man pearls in the zip of my swimming shorts in the changing rooms (think There's Something About Mary). True story.

2. What age can you leave kids on their own in the house?

Before you get antsy, I didn’t want to know the answer so that I could abandon my three kids at home alone. Well, I say that... I would love to leave them on their own if it meant that they wouldn’t kill themselves, kill each other or burn the house down. Unfortunately, it is a certainty that at least one of those things would happen and it's entirely possible that this could still be the case up to their reaching the age of 32. According to the NSPCC, "toddlers and very young children should never be left alone", which is fine because I enjoy being constantly followed around and pestered by a pack of feral miniature dictators.

3. Best remedies for teething / colic / reflux / constipation / diarrhoea / [insert other]

When your babies have something wrong with them, it feels like Armageddon when they don’t stop crying for the 98th consecutive day. Google has helped to clear up some of these illnesses/symptoms with relative ease which is a great thing, then there are others like teething and colic which is like a "I'm going to ruin your life" spell has been cast on the little suckers by some sadistic baby and parent torturing sorceress. This sadistic sorceress, I would like to hunt down, waterboard with Calpol and then murder slowly and painfully.

4. Are eggs dairy?

Okay clever clogs. Just because you know the answer doesn’t mean it isn't worth Google-ing. Look, I'm not taking any chances of accidentally shoving some dairy dynamite omelette into my child's mouth (i.e. the fussy nine month old with the allergy) and causing her to destroy about five nights of sleep and initiating explosive-babygro-ruining shart bombs. If it makes me feel better, then I'm going to check if 100% pure orange juice has dairy in it. Should probably just double check that...

5. Are there any child friendly holidays abroad for families with three children?

Answer: Yes there are. If you have no regard for money, enjoyment or rest.

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