• Candid Daddy

Seven pointless things you can buy as a new parent

Sometimes the excitement of a new addition to the family can cloud your judgement, here are a few things that we bought in a fit of eagerness and naivety.

1. Bogey/snot extractor

Yes, you heard that right. Have you seen the strange bulb shaped sucker that you stick up your baby’s nose to suck out the baby's snot? Well, we bought one of those.

2. Manual breast pump

If you are thinking of expressing milk from your breasts (I am primarily talking to the ladies here), then unless you love sleep deprivation and wish to develop forearms like The Rock, then I suggest you buy an electric breast pump.

3. Baby shoes

I bought some baby trainers about 30 weeks before our baby was born. Babies don’t need footwear of any kind, especially trainers. They don’t take strolls, go for jogs or do cross fit. Babies cannot even blow their own noses (see above), never mind need anything that provides protection for their feet. It’s the equivalent of buying your dog a car. Don’t do it.

4. Cotton Wool

I am talking about loose cotton wool here, not the pads. Buying loose cotton wool to wipe a baby’s backside is like using tissue paper to clean up honey. It is ridiculous. In those former days, I must have spent more time picking out loose strings of cotton wool out of my children’s arses than actually cleaning them – a tricky race against time like some bizarre Krypton Factor challenge. I’d smash that golden ticket grabbing task.

5. Sophie the Giraffe

I know this one might be controversial given its popularity, but I think this was the most expensive piece of rubber we ever bought (no smutty comments required). Anyway, this French teether pretty much serves the same purpose as any other chunk of rubbish that a kid puts in its mouth. We also found that our baby’s saliva seemed to collect inside the Giraffe causing a disgusting black mould to form. Nice.

6. Expensive clothes

This is obviously a personal choice. We didn’t actually buy expensive clothes for our children, but we were given some. It was a really nice gesture and we appreciated it, but we never bought pricey clothes for our kids. I understand that cleaning vomit, faeces and any other bodily fluids out of Gucci baby grows is not ideal.

7. Re-usable nappies

Before our children were born, we re-mortgaged the house to buy about 50 nappies made of bamboo cloth with the desire to single-handedly save the world’s pollution woes. Unfortunately, the idea of wiping off excrement from nappies and re-washing them for re-use every time our baby decided to relieve itself, which is every three minutes, sounded a lot more manageable than the reality. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great thing to do if you can manage it and, if you can, you are my hero and deserve unrelenting praise and probably a knighthood. We lasted approximately two days, give or take.

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