As a veteran of the nappy changing routine, I am not phased by changing some of the most horrendous bottom bomb sites known to man. Armed with a ream of Huggies wipes and a spare nappy, all bottoms can be safe in the knowledge that my nappy changing capabilities rival the Formula 1 tyre change speeds. I don’t even mind changing the nappies of kids that aren’t mine, not that it’s an offer I make. That would just be weird.
With the more nappies you change, the more accustomed you get to the horror shows that can present themselves from these little people. Sometimes I wonder how a human being (especially one so small) can produce something so utterly revolting. In the past, getting any bum matter on me (homemade or otherwise) would have caused heart palpitations, but now I am professional at dealing with poo. Call me the Poo Pro, no don’t, that’s also weird.
However, when in a very public place, a couple of situations that always makes me uneasy when my child fills the nappy is the release of (1) sound and (2) smell. The reason for this is that, despite being near my child, I get paranoid that people nearby think that I have let out the cheek flapper or that the noxious smell is coming from me. In these circumstances, I always tend to act in the worst possible way and do the thing that makes me look more likely to have done the deed.
Basically, the only tactic I know and use is speak to my child next to me in a volume that is slightly unnaturally louder than is necessary and say something along the lines of “Was that you?! Stinky bottom!!” or “Oh, wow, that’s a smelly one, we had better get you changed”. Whilst I say these words, I also look around me to see if anyone has heard me. In my head, this ensures that I have fully clarified that in no way was I the perpetrator. In reality, it looks like I’ve just let off a bum salute and shamelessly tried to blame the kids.
This happened the other day with my two year old daughter when we were out at a shopping centre surrounded by a million other people. She had let off an awful butt dumpling. Same tactic applied - “Wow, you’ve done a smelly poo poo, we had better get you changed”. Quick look around, people definitely hear me, relief.
Then, as if sensing what I was doing just as I finish my comment, my daughter replied in a voice slightly unnaturally louder than is necessary “I haven’t poo poo-ed!”. I don’t bother looking around, I know people have heard her...
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