10 ridiculous things I have actually said to my kids

11 Apr 2018


1. "Why are you trying to eat the sink?" 


Yes, you heard that right. 


2. "What cereal do you want for breakfast – Panda Pillows, Elf Drops, Gorilla Squares, Monkey Cereal, Tiger Flakes or Bee Hoops"? 


When did every single item in the house get a nickname?! 


3. "Stop calling me 'mummy'!" 


Seriously, how is this confusing to you!?  


4. "Don't worry, just be sick into my hands and I will catch it" 


Either that or destroy the floor at The Disney Store and risk further embarrassment.  


5. "Stop repeatedly shouting 'squirrel head' and 'squirrel bottom'" 


Apparently, walking to school and shouting this over and over again is hilarious. 


6. "Why have you been wiping bogies on to your bedroom wall?" 


A disgusting art gallery of nasal waste. 


7. "Stop trying to poke your sister's / brother's bum hole!" 


Apparently, this is a game now. I'm a spoilsport, what can I say. 


8. "No, you cannot marry your sister when you grow up" 


There are a few things in life that are controversial and that can divide opinion. This isn't one of them. And, no you cannot marry your mother either. 


9. "If you keep touching your widgey, I am going to chop it off!" 


A harsh threat I know, but desperate times and all that... Although, my wife gives me the "you are a massive hypocrite" look every time. 


10. "Stop smacking my bottom when I am naked!" 


I don’t know why my children have started to do this, laughing like little maniacs every time, but it gets tiring after the eighteenth time. Okay, so I should put some clothes on when I'm in Morrison's doing the supermarket shopping, but that's not the point... 


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