The "S" Word – Part 2 (The Consultation)

7 Oct 2018

You may have read my previous post - The "S" Word – where I explored the possibility of a vasectomy.  If you haven't, what are you waiting for?!

 

Since then, I took it one step further and initiated the appointment process which required an hour-long telephone consultation to discuss the procedure (in a disturbing amount of detail) and to go through a few questions. Partly for your enjoyment but mainly for the genuine education of the uninformed, these are just some of the questions asked and a few of the things I discussed with the nurse: 

 

Why do you want the vasectomy? 

 

Well, I just thought it might be a fun day out. Buy myself a Starbucks, pop down to the local Snip Shop (I don’t think they actually call it that), take a couple of blades to the knick-knacks, then go home and treat myself to some Ben and Jerry's and a bubble bath followed by a Marvel movie. Maybe even light some candles. Ahhh, bliss.  

 

Are you crazy?! Why do you think I want to have a vasectomy??! Oh, you've not met my kids. My mistake. 

 

You cannot bring your children with you 

 

Oh, that's a shame. I was hoping I could bring all three of them so we could share the experience. Maybe take some selfies with them halfway through the procedure, post them on Facebook for some LOLs and ROFLs. YOLO.  

 

Why would ANYONE want to bring their children to an operation of this type?! 

 

I know you are married, but are you gay or bisexual? 

 

Come again?

 

After the operation, you need to ejaculate 20 times before a test due in 12 weeks 

 

This is where trying to work on a computer whilst trying to listen to a nurse talk about the intricate details of a vasectomy is not a good idea. I genuinely misheard the requirement and had to ask the nurse to repeat this, which made me sound like I was either nervous about the frequency or totally underwhelmed by it and was unimpressed. Neither was an impression I wanted to give. Childishly, I also found all of this amusing and wanted to make a joke about whether this could be done in the first week but I decided against it. Also, I found it a little surreal as it's not very often that you are given a "target" when it comes to this sort of thing. Make the best of all bad situations I guess. 

 

You need to buy some tight Y-fronts to wear after the op, for additional support 

 

So, after parading my billybongs in front of two female strangers, you want me to then put on some ridiculously embarrassing underwear, generally only worn by those in their 70s?? Is taking my dignity not enough?! Maybe I'll bring a mankini and wear that, see how you like that.  

 

Some people experience "leakage or discharge" for several days after, this is not uncommon 

 

Oh okay, forget my previous comment about dignity. I'm done here. 

 

We would recommend you abstain from sex for at least two days after the operation 

 

You don’t say. 

 

 

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